Kalau saya buat hal lagi, tolong ingatkan saya bahawa saya yang terhegeh-hegeh dekat awak.

I don't really know how I'm feeling.

Sad? Dunno.

Anger? Maybe.

Vengeful? Man, I don't have time for that.

But, maybe it hurts when you made me accept you again but in the end it is still you who bailed. It's you who said, "I can't see where is this going". It's you who give up when I am ready to work this out again.

I'm willing to take the risk of getting you into my life again. I risked my heart being broken again. I tried. I tried hard. Still, you don't think it's enough, perhaps.

So, hey. Cheers to a new life. And this time, it's for real. No more you. Oh, please don't come back again.

*************

Me: Really, I don't understand why I can't meet a decent guy. And I don't even have requirements!
Amalil: Nope, you do.

Me: No way. I don't think so.
Amalil: You don't have physical requirements but you do have emotional requirements.

Me: Oh, wow. Yeah, I guess that's true.

Bird.

I'm seeing someone. Oh, wait. I think I was seeing someone.

We met at an event for work. He started to tease me a lot. Initially, I was irritated, but somehow I felt comfortable. I don't know why. And then the day ended. 

But I met you again. At another work function. Didn't expect to see you there but hey, you're there. You didn't see me so I just went to you and said hi. You looked surprised but I didn't think much of it. I thought maybe cause you've forgotten about me. Well, people are like that so no worries. And somehow you kinda stick with me that day. Oh, wait. You stick with me and my another friend. So I took a step back. Cause you looked like you're more comfortable with her rather than with me. Then again, the day ended. 

And I met you again. During work function too. You kept teasing me and I was kinda embarrassed. Well, my boss was there too. So, yeah. You asked for my number that night. And I gave it to you. 

And so the texting began. I'm pretty quiet and I don't text much. I don't converse much too except with close friends and family. But with you, I became chatty. And I didn't realize that I was flirting. Hey, I am not a flirt. Never. But with you, it became natural. 

And then you got sick. Well, you were sick before too but then you got worse. Then you're vanishing. 

I don't know if I like you. But I like spending time with you. You make me talk, one thing that I don't really enjoy and I enjoy talking to you. And it hurts when you're avoiding me. I know you're sick. But please, we're in this together, kan? 

Unless you don't want me to. 

*he calls me bird. Thus the title. 

Come on, baby.

My heart’s uneasy. 

And I don’t even know why. 

You know, I don’t mind having nobody. I’m so used to myself that I don’t mind being alone. But this, this is what I hate. The heartbroken feeling. I just can’t deal with the pain.

Us, against her. And them.

I mentioned in the previous post that I found out something, right? 

Yeah, I found out bad news. I'm not sure if it's real (oh please don't be real please please please) and I'm pretty shaken by it. 

My broken heart shattered again. In million pieces. I was hurt. I was pissed. I was disappointed. I was broken. Again. Is it even possible to be broken over and over again? 

You said, don't look. But if I don't, I will be skeptical of you forever.

Oh, how I wish I didn't saw it in the first place. Cause what's in there, used to be mine few months back. 

I know I cannot keep trying to get the old you back. You've changed. And perhaps I am too. 

Let's just pray that I can plaster my heart back in place again. 

Happy 27th, dearest myself.

Today is my birthday. Oh well, technically it's yesterday as it's 3 o'clock in the morning of 4th October right now. I never bother much about birthdays. To me, it's just like the other day with an addition of few people wishing you well. Nothing more I'd like rather than being with family and friends. Though not in the same house, I'd prefer to be in the same country. (I was away in Melbourne last year during my birthday. Sad day.)

But, this year, I kinda anticipating it. I kinda hope to make it special cause somehow I have a particular someone that I wanna share the day with. 

Yet, again, I started my birthday with tears and despair. Yep, because that particular someone. We fought, I cried. I cried buckets. And just few days ago, I did not think that I can cry anymore. 

But, he kinda came around. Somehow persistent for me not having the worst birthday (after the one that I had when my first ex broke up with me just days before my birthday), he asked me for a dinner. My birthday dinner. Grateful that he wants to make things right, I picked to have it at Little Rara, my fav Thai Restaurant. 

And there's one time, he pointed to the TV behind me. 

"Is that Vivy?"

"Oh yeah, that's her." 

"Is she wearing a Duck?"

"Yeah. That's KL Duck." 

For some reasons, he found the topic of KL Duck interesting. He asked me if I have one. "Yep," I asnwered. "I have one in white." And I went on with my little story of my White KL Duck. 

Then we talked about something else. On the way home, I found out something. My heart shattered. But that one is in another post. 

In this post, I just wanna say thank you. I appreciate all the little things you did. And what I found in your car's boot just now, I never imagined it. I told you I don't need any presents. I just need you. And your smiles. And food, so dinner is more than enough. But this, I was speechless when I found out just now. 

Really. 

Thank you, baby. 

Oh, how I wish I can turn our story around. Just remove that one little hurdle we're facing. Cause I miss us. Us, without that trouble.