Kalau saya buat hal lagi, tolong ingatkan saya bahawa saya yang terhegeh-hegeh dekat awak.

I don't really know how I'm feeling.

Sad? Dunno.

Anger? Maybe.

Vengeful? Man, I don't have time for that.

But, maybe it hurts when you made me accept you again but in the end it is still you who bailed. It's you who said, "I can't see where is this going". It's you who give up when I am ready to work this out again.

I'm willing to take the risk of getting you into my life again. I risked my heart being broken again. I tried. I tried hard. Still, you don't think it's enough, perhaps.

So, hey. Cheers to a new life. And this time, it's for real. No more you. Oh, please don't come back again.

*************

Me: Really, I don't understand why I can't meet a decent guy. And I don't even have requirements!
Amalil: Nope, you do.

Me: No way. I don't think so.
Amalil: You don't have physical requirements but you do have emotional requirements.

Me: Oh, wow. Yeah, I guess that's true.

Bird.

I'm seeing someone. Oh, wait. I think I was seeing someone.

We met at an event for work. He started to tease me a lot. Initially, I was irritated, but somehow I felt comfortable. I don't know why. And then the day ended. 

But I met you again. At another work function. Didn't expect to see you there but hey, you're there. You didn't see me so I just went to you and said hi. You looked surprised but I didn't think much of it. I thought maybe cause you've forgotten about me. Well, people are like that so no worries. And somehow you kinda stick with me that day. Oh, wait. You stick with me and my another friend. So I took a step back. Cause you looked like you're more comfortable with her rather than with me. Then again, the day ended. 

And I met you again. During work function too. You kept teasing me and I was kinda embarrassed. Well, my boss was there too. So, yeah. You asked for my number that night. And I gave it to you. 

And so the texting began. I'm pretty quiet and I don't text much. I don't converse much too except with close friends and family. But with you, I became chatty. And I didn't realize that I was flirting. Hey, I am not a flirt. Never. But with you, it became natural. 

And then you got sick. Well, you were sick before too but then you got worse. Then you're vanishing. 

I don't know if I like you. But I like spending time with you. You make me talk, one thing that I don't really enjoy and I enjoy talking to you. And it hurts when you're avoiding me. I know you're sick. But please, we're in this together, kan? 

Unless you don't want me to. 

*he calls me bird. Thus the title. 

Come on, baby.

My heart’s uneasy. 

And I don’t even know why. 

You know, I don’t mind having nobody. I’m so used to myself that I don’t mind being alone. But this, this is what I hate. The heartbroken feeling. I just can’t deal with the pain.

Us, against her. And them.

I mentioned in the previous post that I found out something, right? 

Yeah, I found out bad news. I'm not sure if it's real (oh please don't be real please please please) and I'm pretty shaken by it. 

My broken heart shattered again. In million pieces. I was hurt. I was pissed. I was disappointed. I was broken. Again. Is it even possible to be broken over and over again? 

You said, don't look. But if I don't, I will be skeptical of you forever.

Oh, how I wish I didn't saw it in the first place. Cause what's in there, used to be mine few months back. 

I know I cannot keep trying to get the old you back. You've changed. And perhaps I am too. 

Let's just pray that I can plaster my heart back in place again. 

Happy 27th, dearest myself.

Today is my birthday. Oh well, technically it's yesterday as it's 3 o'clock in the morning of 4th October right now. I never bother much about birthdays. To me, it's just like the other day with an addition of few people wishing you well. Nothing more I'd like rather than being with family and friends. Though not in the same house, I'd prefer to be in the same country. (I was away in Melbourne last year during my birthday. Sad day.)

But, this year, I kinda anticipating it. I kinda hope to make it special cause somehow I have a particular someone that I wanna share the day with. 

Yet, again, I started my birthday with tears and despair. Yep, because that particular someone. We fought, I cried. I cried buckets. And just few days ago, I did not think that I can cry anymore. 

But, he kinda came around. Somehow persistent for me not having the worst birthday (after the one that I had when my first ex broke up with me just days before my birthday), he asked me for a dinner. My birthday dinner. Grateful that he wants to make things right, I picked to have it at Little Rara, my fav Thai Restaurant. 

And there's one time, he pointed to the TV behind me. 

"Is that Vivy?"

"Oh yeah, that's her." 

"Is she wearing a Duck?"

"Yeah. That's KL Duck." 

For some reasons, he found the topic of KL Duck interesting. He asked me if I have one. "Yep," I asnwered. "I have one in white." And I went on with my little story of my White KL Duck. 

Then we talked about something else. On the way home, I found out something. My heart shattered. But that one is in another post. 

In this post, I just wanna say thank you. I appreciate all the little things you did. And what I found in your car's boot just now, I never imagined it. I told you I don't need any presents. I just need you. And your smiles. And food, so dinner is more than enough. But this, I was speechless when I found out just now. 

Really. 

Thank you, baby. 

Oh, how I wish I can turn our story around. Just remove that one little hurdle we're facing. Cause I miss us. Us, without that trouble. 

You're no good.

And yet I keep coming back to you.

Sometimes I think I am a masochist. Love to put myself in pain. The pain makes me feel alive. Yet at the same time it makes me feel dead inside.

I contradict myself too much lately. My mind is saying something else while my heart is saying the other.

I am not sure myself. Things become complicated. And I really don't know how to simplify it. Or maybe I do know. I'm just denying it. Cause most of the time it seems easier. A coward, I know.

I wish things are simpler. I wish I don't have this feeling. I wish I am better. I wish.

I wanna be a happy me. I wanna be a carefree me. Yeah, I miss the old me.

My dearest old Farhana, will you please come back?

Man, I was ashamed

So, I went to Bangkok last few weeks. Trying to have a vacation but it ended up badly for me. Oh well, that's another story. What I wanna tell you here is, how ashamed I was with Bangkok. 

I dunno why but I always has a perception that we, Malaysians are wayy advanced that people of Thailand. In terms of technology, civilizations etc. Yeah, so silly, right? 

And Bangkok did a good job in proving me wrong. Well, technically Bangkok doesn't differ much from KL. Malls, highways, cars, tall buildings, LRTs. There're everywhere. But Bangkok has one thing that we Malaysians do not have. 

Manners. Yep, manners. And discipline. 

I went to their LRT and I was amazed! I didn't expect to see these people who I thought were less civilized than Malaysians are queuing to get into the LRT. And oh, there's more. They waited for people in the train to get off first before they get on the train. Man, I was speechless. How I long to see this view in KL. 

Wait, I haven't finish. These people too have the manners to not litter. It was so hard to find trashcan in the streets of Bangkok yet it is even harder to find trash! Yet, Malaysia has trashcan almost everywhere but you still see litters everywhere. 

Bangkok, or even better, people of Thailand, I owe you an apology. I had a wrong misconception of you and now I know better. 

Thank you for opening my sepet eyes, Bangkok. Will definitely visit you again. Cause I miss your tomyam so much!

Hey, I'm back!

Er, hi?

Okay, I cannot remember the last time I wrote here but oh I'm here again!

Gosh, how I miss writing. But really, I don't really know what to write. I think I've lost the touch. :(

I did a quick re-read of what I wrote here last time. Urgh, I cringed. I cringed hard. Yet, I wrote well. Hehe

Anyway, you may find me here again. I wanna start writing again. Writing is my escapism and God knows how I long for one right now.

And blog, I did something bad. I am in deep trouble. Oh, I'm dreading tomorrow. God, please help me to ease this one for me? Pretty please?

RIP MH17

assalamualaikum wbt.

After five months of MH370 disappearing, Malaysia has encountered another aviation tragedy. The crashes of MH17 from Amsterdam to Kuala Lumpur is really a devastating news. It breaks every Malaysian's hearts especially after the accident with MH370. 

I couldn't say much as I am not an expert. I could only pray for the victims' souls to rest in peace and the calamity granted to the families affected. I read a news saying a lady lost her brother through MH370 accident and this time, she lost a stepdaughter in MH17. That just breaks my heart even more. 

This is the second time this year I shed my tears to strangers. I pray there won't be a third.  

Goodnight dear passengers of MH17. May you all rest in peace. May God The Almighty bless your souls. And, be strong dear families. We, Malaysians, stand right behind you. 

#JusticeForMH17

Hey awak.

Hey awak. Thank you for being a complete asshole.

Thank you for giving me a reason to hate you. I've spent months searching for it.

Oh well, it's official then.

I hate you. With every atom I have in me.

To err is human. To forgive, divine.

assalamualaikum wbt.

Hey blog. It has been a while. 

Anyway, these few days, it has been viral regarding the case of a lady ran amok with an uncle who happened to bang her car from behind. And today (17th July 2014), Fly FM scheduled an interview session with both of them. 

What I can say from the interview: 

The uncle has the biggest heart. He's willing to forgive the lady even though she'd made major damage to his car, banging his car with the steering lock. Oh, the world is scarce of this kind of people. How I wish we can try to be like him. Then, the world will be a much better place.

It is already a big thing when you're willing to admit your mistakes and say sorry. Kudos, Kiki. Thank you for admitting your mistake and apologize. Not only to Uncle Sim but to whole Malaysian. Let this be a lesson to you and to other people out there. Being in rage and acted upon it rarely produces a good consequences. Let this be a big lesson life wanted to teach you. 

Oh well, control your anger. As you will always regret what you say or do while in rage. Control yourself and be a big person. 

In need of a single friend. ASAP.

assalamualaikum wbt.

Hari tu aku borak dengan kawan aku.  Ikuti inti sari cebisan perbualan kami:

Aku: Pid, mu bila nak nikah? 

Kawan: Lek ah luu. Tunggu dulu. Mu?

Aku: Aku ni calon pun nada, nak nikah celah mana? Haiyo. Hari tu I (salah seorang rakan kami) nikah. Mu tau?

Kawan: Aku tahu tapi aku tak sempat nak gi. Mu gi?

Aku: Mesti ah. Mati aku kena dengan budak tu kalau aku tak gi. Haha.

Kawan: Haha.

Aku: Weh, Pid. Gila ah. I dah menikah. H dengan U pun planning nak nikah. Tak tahun ni, tahun depan. Lepas tu tinggal aku seorang single. Wehhh, lepas ni aku nak lepak dengan siapaaaa?

Kawan: Cepat-cepatlah cari Fana. Buat teman mu. Hahaha

Aku: Tapi, takmo lagi. Haiyo.

Nampak tak kat situ? Dikelilingi oleh orang yang semua ber'double' ni buat aku tiba-tiba risau. Sebab nanti aku nak lepak dengan siapa? Dah la jenis suka kacau orang. Call orang malam-malam. Bila tengah weng, text ayat kasih sayang dengan diorang. Lepas diorang menikah, aku nak buat benda tu dengan siapa? Ah, sudahhh. 

Kena cari seorang kawan ni. Yang single. Buat back up plan bila diorang ni semua dah menikah. Hiks. 

#PrayForMH370

assalamualaikum wbt.

Now is a very excruciating time for us, Malaysian. The missing of plane MH370 is a shocking news which no one ever expected. Well, at least no one ever expect it to happen in our country. 

Up till this day, it has been eight days and yet the plane remained its missing status. I really cannot imagine what are the feelings of the families affected. Eight days with no news at all about their loved ones whereabouts. Oh, it's terrifying. 

Regardless, I know that our government is doing their very best to locate the plane as soon as possible. Please, Malaysian. Put some sense in you and be considerate before coming up with speculations and theories. The authorities are doing their job. Have a little respect, please.

Keep praying for them. Keep hoping that they're safe. Wherever they are. May everything will end soon. Help us, dear Lord. Help us in locating them. 

Closure.

assalamualaikum wbt.

Thank you for giving me a closure. I need it so I can slowly mend my heart. I will rise back. I know I will. And I know you know it too. 

Oh well, congrats for your engagement! Though it's few months late. Maafkan saya. Saya baru tahu. Hiks.

Oh ya, saya lupa nak cakap tadi. Saya sayang awak. Walau siapa pun awak bagi saya. So, tolong jaga diri. Saya tahu awak sekarang in a very bad place. Takpe. Saya tahu awak akan bangkit balik. Saya tahu. Tapi stress-stress pun, tolong jaga diri. Even kalau awak nak kumpul meals sampai malam, malam baru nak melantak gila-gila pun kalau boleh breakfast jangan tinggal. 

Heh. Kelakar gila bila saya merepek dekat awak kat sini. Macamlah awak baca kan? 

Pronunciations.

assalamualaikum wbt.

I really don't understand why people put too many question mark (?) or exclamation mark (!) at the end of the sentence. I can't stand them. You know, pronunciations are used to put some tone in your writing. If you're asking someone but you put many-many question marks at the end of your sentence, it's like you're scolding them. Same case with the exclamation marks, it's like you're yelling. And that is just annoying. Really.

Can't you just use them properly? I'm sorry but I tend to judge people with improper use of pronunciations. I assume they are immature. If not, you'll know the correct way of using those signs. 

Ah yes. Another trend is putting a space before the signs. For example, that's magnificent ! Okay, I am disgusted with myself even though I'm using it only as an example. What's the point of the space there? No point! Oh my God. People are senseless nowadays. Please dear God, put some sense in them. Please. 

*I have a friend who's using signs excessively and I really don't know how to say that I'm quite disturbed with it. I just hope she will learn it slowly as she's entering the corporate world now. 

Ex.

assalamualaikum wbt. 

Aku ni, kalau aku sayang, aku sayang betul. Tapi, kalau aku dah let go, memang aku let go betul. Sebab tu aku takde masalah nak kawan dengan ex aku. Kawan-kawan aku je yang ada masalah bila aku cakap aku kawan dengan ex aku. Macam perbualan antara aku dengan seseorang yang aku kenal:

Aku: Pelik ke kalau saya still kawan dengan ex saya? Saya dah takde rasa so saya tak kisah pun dia contact saya ke apa. Dia macam balik kepada masa berkawan sebelum couple dulu. Takde apa-apa rasa dalam hati. Nothing.

Dia: Tak pelik tapi tak ramai orang buat. 

Aku: Oo. Yelah, saya kan rare, sebab tu saya buat. 

Okay ayat last tu aku letak je. Hahaha

The Bucket List.

I wanna kiss you in the middle of Times Square, NYC. 

I love the thought of getting immersed in our own world while people are bustling around us. 

Aiskrim.

assalamualaikum wbt.

Malam-malam perut memanggil aiskrim. Cheat night. Aci kan? Hehe. Baiklah. Nanti saya ganti dengan jogging double dose. 

Ini salah satu perangai pelik aku sebenarnya. Aku akan jadi sangat-sangat mengidam aiskrim time tengah period pain. Memang perangai mintak penyakit. 

Emotional roller-coaster.

assalamualaikum wbt.

I've been extremely emotional these days. I can even cry while watching sitcoms. And cried even more watching it for the second time. And imagine me while watching the latest episode of The Originals where Davina, the sweet Davina died in it. I practically cried my eyes out that I'd got a headache that night. Gosh, this emotional roller-coaster I'm boarding.. When can I get off it? More importantly, since when I've been a cry-baby? Oh, I hate this. 

It's not that I against crying. Crying is completely okay for me. It's just that I'm not the type who cry easily. Sometimes I have to force myself to cry even when I'm sad enough to cry. Most of the times I have to go watch sad movies when I want to cry. Yeah, I need a catalyst to make me cry. Pfft. 

Oh, yes. All this crying? I blame it on hormones. Damn you hormones. Stop making me cry while watching Modern Family.

*gambar sumber dari sini.

Random Thoughts At Midnight.

assalamualaikum wbt.

It has been a month, I think, and I still can't get enough of Lana Del Rey. Hm, this is weird. Usually I will listen to the same song/same list of songs for two weeks, max. 

It's January. I have two more months. I hope by the end of February I won't find you linger in my mind anymore. I'm sick of it, really.

Last night I watched Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs 2. Couldn't get enough of those cute, adorable fruits. Ahh what a heaven would be to have them in the real world. 

I think my English has worsen. At this rate, I don't think I will even score average band 3 for MUET. Really, really need to read more English books. 

Oh yes, I found this in a bookstore recently. There you go. Another addition to my wishlist. Is there anyone kind enough to buy me this? For my birthday, perhaps? Oh, crap. It's nine months away. In the meantime it's better if I save my own money for it. 

Again, these are only my random thoughts before I hit the sack and call it a day. Er, goodnight! To whoever reading this. If there's anyone reading.