Come on, baby.

My heart’s uneasy. 

And I don’t even know why. 

You know, I don’t mind having nobody. I’m so used to myself that I don’t mind being alone. But this, this is what I hate. The heartbroken feeling. I just can’t deal with the pain.

Us, against her. And them.

I mentioned in the previous post that I found out something, right? 

Yeah, I found out bad news. I'm not sure if it's real (oh please don't be real please please please) and I'm pretty shaken by it. 

My broken heart shattered again. In million pieces. I was hurt. I was pissed. I was disappointed. I was broken. Again. Is it even possible to be broken over and over again? 

You said, don't look. But if I don't, I will be skeptical of you forever.

Oh, how I wish I didn't saw it in the first place. Cause what's in there, used to be mine few months back. 

I know I cannot keep trying to get the old you back. You've changed. And perhaps I am too. 

Let's just pray that I can plaster my heart back in place again. 

Happy 27th, dearest myself.

Today is my birthday. Oh well, technically it's yesterday as it's 3 o'clock in the morning of 4th October right now. I never bother much about birthdays. To me, it's just like the other day with an addition of few people wishing you well. Nothing more I'd like rather than being with family and friends. Though not in the same house, I'd prefer to be in the same country. (I was away in Melbourne last year during my birthday. Sad day.)

But, this year, I kinda anticipating it. I kinda hope to make it special cause somehow I have a particular someone that I wanna share the day with. 

Yet, again, I started my birthday with tears and despair. Yep, because that particular someone. We fought, I cried. I cried buckets. And just few days ago, I did not think that I can cry anymore. 

But, he kinda came around. Somehow persistent for me not having the worst birthday (after the one that I had when my first ex broke up with me just days before my birthday), he asked me for a dinner. My birthday dinner. Grateful that he wants to make things right, I picked to have it at Little Rara, my fav Thai Restaurant. 

And there's one time, he pointed to the TV behind me. 

"Is that Vivy?"

"Oh yeah, that's her." 

"Is she wearing a Duck?"

"Yeah. That's KL Duck." 

For some reasons, he found the topic of KL Duck interesting. He asked me if I have one. "Yep," I asnwered. "I have one in white." And I went on with my little story of my White KL Duck. 

Then we talked about something else. On the way home, I found out something. My heart shattered. But that one is in another post. 

In this post, I just wanna say thank you. I appreciate all the little things you did. And what I found in your car's boot just now, I never imagined it. I told you I don't need any presents. I just need you. And your smiles. And food, so dinner is more than enough. But this, I was speechless when I found out just now. 

Really. 

Thank you, baby. 

Oh, how I wish I can turn our story around. Just remove that one little hurdle we're facing. Cause I miss us. Us, without that trouble. 

You're no good.

And yet I keep coming back to you.

Sometimes I think I am a masochist. Love to put myself in pain. The pain makes me feel alive. Yet at the same time it makes me feel dead inside.

I contradict myself too much lately. My mind is saying something else while my heart is saying the other.

I am not sure myself. Things become complicated. And I really don't know how to simplify it. Or maybe I do know. I'm just denying it. Cause most of the time it seems easier. A coward, I know.

I wish things are simpler. I wish I don't have this feeling. I wish I am better. I wish.

I wanna be a happy me. I wanna be a carefree me. Yeah, I miss the old me.

My dearest old Farhana, will you please come back?

Man, I was ashamed

So, I went to Bangkok last few weeks. Trying to have a vacation but it ended up badly for me. Oh well, that's another story. What I wanna tell you here is, how ashamed I was with Bangkok. 

I dunno why but I always has a perception that we, Malaysians are wayy advanced that people of Thailand. In terms of technology, civilizations etc. Yeah, so silly, right? 

And Bangkok did a good job in proving me wrong. Well, technically Bangkok doesn't differ much from KL. Malls, highways, cars, tall buildings, LRTs. There're everywhere. But Bangkok has one thing that we Malaysians do not have. 

Manners. Yep, manners. And discipline. 

I went to their LRT and I was amazed! I didn't expect to see these people who I thought were less civilized than Malaysians are queuing to get into the LRT. And oh, there's more. They waited for people in the train to get off first before they get on the train. Man, I was speechless. How I long to see this view in KL. 

Wait, I haven't finish. These people too have the manners to not litter. It was so hard to find trashcan in the streets of Bangkok yet it is even harder to find trash! Yet, Malaysia has trashcan almost everywhere but you still see litters everywhere. 

Bangkok, or even better, people of Thailand, I owe you an apology. I had a wrong misconception of you and now I know better. 

Thank you for opening my sepet eyes, Bangkok. Will definitely visit you again. Cause I miss your tomyam so much!

Hey, I'm back!

Er, hi?

Okay, I cannot remember the last time I wrote here but oh I'm here again!

Gosh, how I miss writing. But really, I don't really know what to write. I think I've lost the touch. :(

I did a quick re-read of what I wrote here last time. Urgh, I cringed. I cringed hard. Yet, I wrote well. Hehe

Anyway, you may find me here again. I wanna start writing again. Writing is my escapism and God knows how I long for one right now.

And blog, I did something bad. I am in deep trouble. Oh, I'm dreading tomorrow. God, please help me to ease this one for me? Pretty please?