You're a poison. Yet I stay, still.

Aku tahu aku siapa.

Aku tahu aku ini siapa bagi kau.

Heck, aku ini bukan siapa-siapa bagi kau.

Aku tahu itu.

Satu kenyataan yang aku memang sudah tahu.

Tapi aku cuba tangkis.

Dan sekarang kenyataan itu memakan diri.

Ah, sakitnya. 

Until when will I have this feeling?

Cause I can't take it anymore. 

It kills me.

Heck, it kills me hard. 

2 pagi punya cerita.

assalamualaikum wbt.

There's something in my heart yet I can't seem to let it out. And I don't even know how to put it in words. Hmm.

Oh ya, kalau teringat bukan maknanya rindu kan? Kan? Sebab tengah teringat ni tapi tak rasa rindu. 

Aku tengah buntu ni nak siapkan satu short story. Kena siapkan jugak macam mana pun. Iyelah, kalau dah usaha tanya tuan punya cerita, call bagai sampai sejam lebih, kenalah siapkan, kan? 

Oh, these are all my random thoughts. Perhaps I am approaching the time of the month or perhaps it's the Lana Del Rey songs in playlist. 

Or perhaps, I just wanna say that you happened to cross my mind. 

Oh, saya ngidam Dark Chocolate Hershey's. 

Dan sepotong kek coklat moist. 

Tapi kalau dapat red velvet pun best jugak. Bisou punya lah tapi. 

Random kindness.

assalamualaikum wbt.

A random act of kindness will always put a smile on your lips. No matter at what ends you are. Either the receiving or the giving ends. 

I really need to let out my tears tonight. Yet, I can't get them out. However, by saying random, good things to people, I can smile again. 

I still need to cry though. It just doesn't seem that urgent anymore. 

Try again tomorrow. Perhaps? 

That morning.

assalamualaikum wbt.

I am really proud of myself when I didn't shed any single tears that morning. Instead, you only see my smile. And that's the last thing you see from me. I pat myself for that.

The truth is, I was afraid that I'd cry my eyes out that day. 

I am glad I didn't. 

Really, really glad. 

It has been a month.

My old man is a thief and I'm gonna stay and pray with him till the end
But I trust in the decision of the Lord to watch over us
Take him when he may, if he may
I'm not afraid to say that I'd die without him
Who else is gonna put up with me this way?
I need you, I breathe you, I never leave you
They would rue the day I was alone without you
You're lying with your gold chain on, cigar hanging from your lips
I said, "Hon, you never looked so beautiful as you do now, my man.".

***

Don't make me sad, don't make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough
I don't know why
Keep making me laugh
Let's go get high
The road is long, we carry on
Try to have fun in the meantime.

***

Kiss me hard before you go
Summertime sadness
I just wanted you to know
That, baby, you're the best.

***

And there's no remedy for memory your face is
Like a melody, it won't leave my head
Your soul is haunting me and telling me
That everything is fine
But I wish I was dead.

*Off to The Races / Born to Die / Summertime Sadness / Dark Paradise. All are by Lana Del Ray. Kinda obsess with her work right now. 

Broken.

assalamualaikum wbt.

I have a feeling that I am often get attracted to broken people. Maybe because me myself is broken? Yeah, perhaps. 

But then, I think everyone is broken. Every single person has their own story of how broken they are. It might be big, it might be small. Yet, they have it in them. 

As for me, I am broken. And I love broken people. They make me want to fix them. Which is ironic as the only one who needs fixing first is myself. 

So, silalah dengar lagu The Broken Ones by Dia Frampton. That song kinda speaks my mind. 

December, please do come fast.

assalamualaikum wbt.

Hello Sayang.
How are you over there?
Me? Oh, I am fine.
I am pretty good actually,
considering you're not here with me.

Ahh I really can't wait for December.
I wanna see you.
Been waiting for December like forever.
I can't wait! I can't wait!
I already have a very long list in my mind.
A list of what I want when I see you.
Hoping to have everything in the list.*crossing fingers*

Well, it's only a few days to December.
To December 6th, to be exact.
Because I've been longing to see you.
Since forever.

Oh wait. Since December last year.
Hikhik.

*Kahkah. Okay, ini serious macam haram. 

Jiwa kacau.

assalamualaikum wbt. 

Jiwa kacau. Seriously. Sangat teringin pergi pantai. Nak tenung laut lama-lama. Nak biar angin laut tampar laju-laju pipi. Nak biar air laut merogol lembut kaki. Ah, kacaunya.

Inilah padahnya bila seorang loner terjatuh. Aku dah selesa dengan status loner aku tu yang kau tiba-tiba datang kenapa? Dan keadaan sekarang mengelirukan aku. 

Serious aku tak tahu apa yang betul, apa yang salah. Mungkin aku in denial. Aku keep telling myself that I am okay. That you're okay. Which deep down I know this is not okay. None of these are okay. 

You're hurting my pride. And I don't like it. No. I despise it. Nobody can mess with my pride and get away with it. Nobody. 

Not even you. 

And I am you.

assalamualaikum wbt. 

I miss your eyes. I miss your smile. I miss your ears. I miss your hair. I miss your scent. I miss the sound of you breathing. 

I miss you. 

15hb November 2013.

assalamualaikum wbt.

Hai awak. Awak selalu tegur saya macam ni kan tiap kali saya masuk kereta awak. Walaupun time tu awak tengah on the phone ke apa awak mesti akan hai-kan saya lepas tu. Pastu saya balas, "Hoi." Sebenarnya tu refleks saya masa first time awak hai-kan saya. Lepas tu terus lekat. Kalau awak hai-kan saya, saya hoi-kan awak. Dan saya tak boleh lupa masa first time saya hoi-kan awak. Awak terkejut. Haha. Sorrylah awak. Tindakan refleks. Hehe.

Awak, saya tak menangis kan tadi? Bagus tak? Padahal hari tu dah menangis siap-siap. Hari ni terus kering air mata. Tak boleh keluar dah. Lagipun saya dah janji dengan blog saya yang saya takkan menangis. Oleh sebab saya tak menangis tadi, saya kena belanja diri sendiri aiskrim. So, esok nak pergi aiskrim hunting. Kehkeh. 

Awak, awak comel gila tadi. Dengan nervous awak tu. Hikhik saya tak pernah tengok awak nervous tahu? Selalu awak cool je. Tadi dapat tengok awak nervous. Ah, priceless! 

Awak, selama 13 hari ni saya kenal awak, banyak benda yang saya belajar. Awak banyak cerita. Saya pulak suka dengar. Walaupun awak cakap saya tak reti nak respond sangat, tapi saya suka sangat dengar awak bercerita. Awak takdelah bercerita macam orang berpidato tu tapi saya suka inti cerita awak. Cerita-cerita awak rare. Saya suka. 

Awak, doakan supaya saya takkan lupakan awak. So far, you're the best thing happened to me. And I hope that you will always be. :)

Awak, jaga diri please. Dan tolong bagitahu saya kalau awak sakit. Walaupun sakit sikit. Jangan sampai warded baru nak bagitahu. Saya kasi penyepak sebijik nanti. Kalau awak tak bagitahu awak sakit, saya lagi risau. Sebab saya dah tahu condition badan awak. So, please jangan hide the fact yang awak tengah sakit. Please. 

Awak, terima kasih sebab hadir dalam hidup saya. Dah lah awak muncul tiba-tiba. Terus tinggal kesan dalam hati saya ni. You left something in my heart. And that something really is a something. 

Ah, saya dah tak tahu nak cakap apa lagi ni. Nanti-nanti kalau saya dah ada benda nak cakap lagi saya bagitahu ye? Babai! 

Kiss me hard before you go

Summertime sadness

I just wanted you to know

That, baby, you're the best.

*ada jodoh jumpa lagi. Ye?

**sumber gambar: Google
***eh, saya baru perasan yang saya janji dengan blog nak belanja diri sendiri aiskrim kalau saya menangis. Ni tak menangis macam mana pulak? Dah gian aiskrim la pulak. Haha

Countdown to November 15, 2013 - Part III

assalamualaikum wbt.

Hari ni dah 14hb November 2013. Satu hari lagi. 

Please, I wanna savor the moment. And while it lasts. 

Satu hari lagi. Dan 15hb November 2013 nanti awak dah tiada. Hanya saya di sini.

Hanya saya. 

*blog, saya janji dengan awak ni yang saya takkan menangis. Kalau saya menangis jugak saya belanja diri sendiri aiskrim. Heh, kemain pelik benor janji. 

Countdown to November 15, 2013 - Part II

assalamualaikum wbt.

Hari ni dah 13hb November 2013. Lagi dua hari.

Dua hari.

Countdown to November 15, 2013.

assalamualaikum wbt.

Hari ini 12hb November 2013. Lagi tiga hari. 

Tiga hari. 

Welcome home.

assalamualaikum wbt.

Kahkahkah aku baru perasan satu benda ni. Banyak mana pun sosial media aku ada, kalau hati gundah gulana, blog jugak aku cari. 

Blog, aku sayang kau. Sejak 2009 ni hoi. Dah lima tahun kot. The longest relationship I have. :)

Terjatuh lagi.

assalamualaikum wbt.

Yep, aku terjatuh lagi. Oh ya, ni bukan terjatuh longkang ke apa tapi terjatuh hati. Aku terjatuh lagi. And I'm falling hard. 

Serious aku taknak jatuh-jatuh ni. Malaslah. Dah la baru je let go orang tu. Dah let go terus niat taknak dah involve benda-benda gini. Nak fokus dalam apa yang aku buat sekarang. Mungkin lagi dua tahun aku baru fikir balik pasal benda-benda ni. 

Tapi kalau dah Dia nak suruh kita terjatuh ni, terjatuh la jugak. Aku tak sangka sebenarnya aku boleh terjatuh dekat lelaki ni. Baru seminggu jumpa pulak tu. Dari first day jumpa, aku tak boleh tidur, tak boleh makan. Takde selera. Mula-mula aku pelik, kenapa ni. Keadaan di mana aku tak berselera makan adalah sangat pelik sebab aku ni perut tak payah cakap. Kapasiti macam ikan paus kot. 

Bila jadi macam ni, aku terus teringat masa aku putus cinta dua tahun lepas. Keadaan yang lebih kurang sama tapi tak ada rasa sakit. Tapi diganti dengan rasa bahagia dan takut. Masa tu lah baru aku faham yang aku ni dah terjatuh. 

Haih, jatuh dengan lelaki yang ni banyak risikonya. Aku dah tahu pengakhirannya takkan elok. Tapi hati aku ni nak jatuh jugak. Hati, tolong jangan jatuh boleh tak? Penatlahhhhhhh

Awak, saya taknak jatuh dekat awak. Seriously. Sebab saya tahu akhir dia macam mana. Tolong buat saya tak terjatuh balik please. 

Jatuh kali ni lain macam. Tak pernah terjatuh sampai tiga, empat hari tak boleh makan nasi. Hey, nasi tu makanan ruji saya tahu?

*Tuhan, aku tak mintak Kau tarik rasa ni. Tapi aku mohon Kau redakan rasa ni. Sebab dengan kadar rasa yang sekarang ni, aku tak rasa aku cukup kuat untuk ada rasa ini. 

Quotes.

assalamualaikum wbt.

"All I see are girls talking about how 'real' boyfriends have to be sweet, caring, emotionally supportive, good at communicating, prioritizes her, and overall treating her like a  princess. But no one talks about what a 'real' girlfriend does. 

A 'real' girlfriend is someone who is there for their man, through good and bad times. A real girlfriend does not expect to be treated like a princess, but still treats her boyfriend like a prince. A real girlfriend does not depend on her boyfriend for everything, but instead works with him as a team. She might even send him a text at 3 am in the morning when he's sleeping, telling him how blessed she is to have him. A real girlfriend tries to be emotionally strong for the relationship, because she knows her boyfriend also needs a shoulder to lean on too at times. A real girlfriend tells her boyfriend what's wrong, instead of sulking or throwing tantrums. A real girlfriend does not demand, she compromises. A real girlfriend should act like a woman, not like a little girl who needs to be pampered 24/7.

Lastly, a real girlfriend does not talk bad about her boyfriend to her friends, because she knows her friends should never have any doubt that her partner is the best person in her life.

Girls always talk about how a guy will never know he's got a good girl until he's lost her. Unfortunately, a lot of girls will never know she's got a good man until she's lost him as well.(@sfqomhz)"

*found this on twitter today. Kinda interesting, don't you think?

Dialog hari ini.

assalamualaikum wbt.

Suatu petang di warung laksa tepi jalan.

Gadis : Silaulah.*ubah tempat duduk di sebelah kanan Jejaka* Ala, tak best la duduk sini. 

Jejaka : Kenapa? Awak nak saya duduk belah sana eh?*ubah tempat duduk di sebelah kanan Gadis*

Gadis : Eh, tak payahla awak. Awak duduk je lah kat situ.

Jejaka : Alah, takpe. Awak kan tak boleh duduk belah kanan saya. 

Gadis : Alamak, awak perasan ke?

Jejaka : *senyum*

*Okay, ini sangatlah sweet. 

Perangai rare hari ini.

assalamualaikum wbt.

Tadi baru perasan bila tengok sidebar blog yang tahun ni ada lapan blogpost je. Hahahaha. Lama sangat tinggal blog ni.

Hari ni cuti. Awal Muharam kan? Cuti-cuti pun aku bangun pukul empat pagi sebab period pain. Lepas tu terus tak boleh tidur. Sampai sekarang. Tadi ada cubaan nak lelap kejap sebab kepala macam penat. Tapi cubaan tidak berjaya. Haih.

Dahla tadi buat spagheti carbonara. Favouritelah jugak. Aku ni segala jenis spagheti aku telan. Makan dua, tiga suap perut tak boleh terima dah, terus letak tepi. Dua jam lepas tu baru habiskan dia punya sos je. Mee spagheti letak tepi. 

Tak pernah-pernah ni buat perangai gitu. Tak faham dengan diri sendiri. Tak pernah PMS yang takde selera makan yang teruk macam ni (bagi aku yang ada selera makan maha luas, hal ini tersangatlah ajaib). 

Nak cakap putus cinta, bila masa pulak bercintanya? 

Nak cakap jatuh cinta, ini mustahil. 

Nak cakap demam, badan tak panas. Larat je kemas-kemas bilik tadi. 

Haih, takpelah. Mana tahu Dia tarik selera makan ni boleh buat kurus seminggu dua. Mana tahu kan?

*aku tengah PMS yang agak rare. Jadinya terhasil lah entry entah pape ni. 

Turning tables.

assalamualaikum wbt. 

I thought I've turned the table around. I thought I won't be on that side of the table anymore. I thought it will be different this time around. I thought, you are different this time. 

No. I was wrong. I never managed to turn the table. I was always on that side of that table. Not even able to touch the table. 

And you remain the same. Never changed. 

And, I am always the heartbroken one. 

Have you ever wonder?

assalamualaikum wbt. 

Kadang-kadang ada rasa pelik tak, bila kawan yang dah lama kita kenal, yang kita ingat kita dah paham dia. Kita pun anggap dia paham kita, tapi at times when we need them the most, diorang takde? Kalau kita ada masalah, kita tanggung sorang-sorang. Bila kita bad mood, they don't take the liberty of asking, what's wrong? Bila kita sedih, tiada bahu yang dioffer. 

Tapi, ada kawan yang baru kita kenal. Kadang-kadang tak sampai seminggu. Tapi kita rasa macam dia dekat sangat dengan kita. Hampir boleh paham kita macam dah kenal lima tahun. Boleh tahu kegemaran. Boleh tahu kebencian. Yang akan risau gila dekat kita. 

Yes, I am a loner. I work best alone. And I like it that way. I often tell people to be safe. To tell me once they reach home from visiting/dropping me off. But, I've never experienced the situation where there're people who anxious about me when I am not updating them at what time I've arrived home from visiting them. I always give the favour but it seems strange to be returned the favour. I was stunned, yes and I was touched. 

Oh ya, I am boarding on an emotional roller-coaster thus this emotional post. 

Tapi aku nak cakap. Aku sangat bertuah ditemukan dengan kamu, kamu dan kamu. Moga persahabatan kita diberkatiNya sentiasa. 

Aku sayang korang. 

I'll be damned.

assalamualaikum wbt.

Awak, ye kita boleh simply bukak buku baru. Tapi apa yang berlaku dulu takkan berhenti hantui saya. Saya tak rasa saya boleh. Because for me, that single action will means a lot to me. It is not merely a meeting. It's like you're giving me a hope. A hope to hope. I don't want that. Because I simply tired of hoping. I've been a silly girl once and I am certain I don't wanna be a silly girl twice. 

It might be a single meeting for you. Perhaps it means nothing for you. While for me, it might bring everything up again. Oh, I couldn't afford the feelings again. Those goddamn feelings. 

Ahh, I am screwed. For being in this situation alone.*sigh*

Vaccination.

assalamualaikum wbt. 

It has been a debate recently in virtual world regarding the issue of vaccination. I am not yet a mother hence I still do not have my solid opinion regarding this issue. 

However, I've came across an episode in Law & Order: SVU where a baby died because she'd gotten exposed to an unvaccinated toddler. The toddler parent stand by her decision to not vaccinate her child due to the risk of fatality. 

The baby died because her body's immune system still not able to fight the disease as she is still too young. I still remember what the DA said, "It is clearly your choice for to or not to vaccinate your child. However, it is too the community's rights to not being exposed to your unvaccinated child as he might be a carrier of a disease." More or less la. Tak ingat dah exact word. 

Hence, what is your choice? To or not to vaccinate your child?

I love you.

I love it when you are here, beside me.

I love it when you tell me how your day goes.

I love it when we can talk on and on about our favorite TV shows. Movies too.

I love it even more when we can talk about our favorite songs.

I love it when you tell me something I do not know.

I love doing things with you.

I love being crazy with you.

I love seeing the true you.

I love being your muse. And you are mine.

I love sitting side by side. And saying nothing.

I love everything about you. And I love you.

Random night/morning.

assalamualaikum wbt.

1. Dah banyak kali dah aku mimpi kau ni. Pehal eh? Tak paham betul.

2. Nak sangat buku Dan Brown tadi. Ah, tunggu BBW lah.

3. Second day. And still, 40-50 km/h.

4. Some assurance might help. Yet there's no sign of it.

5. I've hit rock bottom. I just wanna rise now.

6. Yes, I wanna lose those and these. But, how to?

7. Gosh, I'm just talking rubbish now. Pardon me for those rubbish up there.

Pelangi itu.

Kau tahu?
Hari itu, aku menangis.
Kerna kehilangan kau.
Aku terdampar.
Seolah seluruh sendiku ini telah dilumpuhkan.
Separuh nyawaku hilang.

Dan ketika itu,
Aku mendongak ke langit.
Cuba menjejaki sisa jiwa yang ada.
Ketika itu aku nampak.
Selembar pelangi indah di kaki langit biru.
Semerta itu aku tahu.
Yang aku akan baik-baik sahaja.

With Me

by Sum 41

I don't want this moment to ever end,
Where everything's nothing without you.
I'd wait here forever just to, to see you smile,
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you.

Through it all, I've made my mistakes.

I stumble and fall, but I mean these words.

I want you to know,

With everything I won't let this go.

These words are my heart and soul.

I'll hold on to this moment, you know,

As I bleed my heart out to show,

And I won't let go.

Thoughts read, unspoken, forever in vow,

And pieces of memories fall to the ground.

I know what I didn't have, so I won't let this go,

'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you.

All the streets, where I walked alone,

With nowhere to go, have come to an end.

I want you to know,

With everything I won't let this go.

These words are my heart and soul.

I'll hold on to this moment, you know,

As I bleed my heart out to show,

And I won't let go.

In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies,

When you don't know what you're looking to find.

In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies,

When you just never know what you will find.

I don't want this moment to ever end,

Where everything's nothing without you.

I want you to know,

With everything I won't let this go.

These words are my heart and soul.

I'll hold on to this moment, you know,

As I bleed my heart out to show,

And I won't let go.

I want you to know,

With everything I won't let this go.

These words are my heart and soul.

I'll hold on to this moment, you know,

As I bleed my heart out to show,

And I won't let go.

*I hope I am strong enough to not letting you go.  Unfortunately, I am not.